You can make it safer for them to get help
When someone uses substances to manage trauma, the use is doing a job: forcing sleep, muting memories, quieting a nervous system stuck on high alert. That does not make it sustainable, but it explains why simply demanding they stop rarely works. From their side, you are asking them to hand over the only tool that has reliably worked, without knowing what replaces it. Effective help starts from that understanding rather than from frustration, even when the frustration is completely earned.
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Do not pressure them to tell you what happened
It is natural to believe that if they would just talk about it, things would get better. But pressured disclosure tends to increase shame and defensiveness, and it can be genuinely destabilizing. You do not need the story to take the situation seriously. What helps more is focusing on the present: the sleep, the drinking, the isolation, the anger, and what support might look like today.
- Say: You do not have to tell me everything for me to believe you are struggling.
- Say: I want to understand what helps you feel safe.
- Say: I am worried about the drinking and how much pain you are carrying.
- Say: We can get professional help without you having to talk before you are ready.
- Avoid: What actually happened over there? or Why can you not just get over it?
- Avoid: Ultimatums delivered mid-argument that you are not prepared to keep
Boundaries still matter, even with trauma in the picture
Compassion for what someone survived does not require accepting what their addiction is doing to your household. You can hold both: empathy for the trauma and firm limits around money, driving, aggression, and substance use in the home. Boundaries are not punishment. They are the conditions under which you can stay in this person's life without being consumed by it, and clear boundaries often shorten the distance to someone accepting help.
Know what a crisis looks like
Get emergency help immediately if your loved one talks about suicide with intent or a plan, attempts suicide, threatens to harm someone, shows signs of overdose, experiences severe withdrawal, or becomes violent or unable to care for themselves. Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 when there is immediate danger. Do not try to manage those moments alone, and do not promise secrecy about safety.
How Present Moments Recovery supports families
You can call before your loved one is ready. Admissions is founder-led, which means you will talk to someone who knows the program and will take time to hear what is happening before recommending anything. Families receive guidance on trauma responses, addiction, communication, boundaries, relapse warning signs, and crisis planning, and family therapy is part of treatment when it is appropriate and wanted. You also deserve support that is about you, not only about them: your sleep, your limits, your own recovery from years of living on alert.
“The beauty of our Continuum of Care model is a consistent treatment team from the beginning of the journey until the client is ready to fly solo. Clients are able to establish trust with their primary counselor, while the team supports them from the first day of care through their transition into the next appropriate stage of recovery.”
You can call before they are ready
Many treatment journeys start with a family member's phone call. Call or text (619) 363-4767. No pressure, just a conversation.
Frequently asked questions
Why will my loved one not talk about their trauma?
Avoidance is a core symptom of trauma, not stubbornness. Talking about it can feel physically dangerous to an activated nervous system, and shame makes it harder still. You do not need the details to help. Focus on the present: their safety, the substance use, and connecting them with professional support.
Should I bring up what I think happened to them?
Tread carefully. Naming your concern is fine; pressing for details or confirming theories is not helpful and can increase defensiveness. Statements work better than questions: I do not need to know what happened to see that you are hurting, and I want to help you find support.
Is the drinking or drug use my fault, or the trauma's fault?
Neither framing helps much. Trauma raises the risk of substance use, but the addiction is a condition that needs treatment, not a debt someone owes to their past or to you. Blame, in any direction, mostly produces shame, and shame feeds the cycle. Treatment focuses forward.
What if they refuse treatment?
You still have options. Get guidance for yourself, set clear boundaries, stop shielding them from consequences, and keep the door open for the moment willingness appears. Many people enter treatment weeks or months after a family member first called. Refusing today does not mean refusing forever.
When is it an emergency?
Act immediately if there are suicidal statements with intent or a plan, a suicide attempt, threats toward others, signs of overdose, severe withdrawal, violence, or an inability to meet basic needs. Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 when there is immediate danger.
